Terry Real highlights five losing strategies that couples often fall into during conflicts. These strategies don’t work because they create disconnection instead of solving problems. Here’s a simple explanation so couples can recognise and avoid them:
1. Being Right
What it means:
Insisting that your perspective is the only correct one and trying to “win” the argument.
Example: “I’m right, and you’re wrong, end of story!”
Why it doesn’t work:
When you focus on being right, you dismiss your partner’s feelings and perspective, which leads to more conflict and resentment.
What to do instead:
Try to understand where your partner is coming from. Remember, you can be right and still be kind.
2. Controlling
What it means: Trying to force your partner to do what you want or think they “should” do.
Example: “You’re not allowed to go out with your friends tonight. You need to stay home!”
Why it doesn’t work:
Control leads to resistance. Nobody likes to feel bossed around or restricted, and it damages trust and respect.
What to do instead:
Express your needs without demanding. For example, “I would love to spend time with you tonight. Could we talk about how to make it work?”
3. Unbridled Self-Expression
What it means:
Saying whatever you feel in the heat of the moment, without considering the impact on your partner.
Example: “You’re the laziest person I know, and I can’t stand you right now!”
Why it doesn’t work:
Dumping your raw emotions on your partner causes hurt and pushes them away.
What to do instead:
Take a breath and express yourself calmly. Share your feelings constructively, like “I feel overwhelmed when I don’t get help around the house.”
4. Retaliation
What it means:
Getting back at your partner to “punish” them when you feel hurt or angry.
Example: “Oh, you ignored me last night? Fine—I’ll ignore you today!”
Why it doesn’t work:
Retaliation escalates conflict and damages the relationship further. It becomes a cycle where no one wins.
What to do instead:
Break the cycle. Respond with kindness and address the issue directly: “I felt hurt when you didn’t talk to me last night. Can we talk about it?”
5. Withdrawal
What it means:
Pulling away emotionally or physically when things get tough. This includes shutting down, avoiding your partner, or stonewalling.
Example: Your partner says, “We need to talk about this,” and you respond by leaving the room or ignoring them completely.
Why it doesn’t work:
Withdrawal leaves your partner feeling abandoned, and unresolved issues build up over time.
What to do instead:
Stay present, even if it’s hard. Say, “I need a little time to calm down, but I promise we’ll talk about this soon.”
Summary of the Losing Strategies:
• Being Right: Prioritising winning over connection.
• Controlling: Forcing your way instead of working together.
• Unbridled Self-Expression: Letting emotions spill out hurtfully.
• Retaliation: Punishing your partner instead of repairing.
• Withdrawal: Shutting down instead of facing the problem.
By avoiding these losing strategies, couples can stop making things worse and start building healthier, more supportive relationships. Recognise when you’re falling into these traps, and make small changes to communicate better and reconnect!
Brian can be contacted on brian@changes.ie