De-Triangulating a Child from Parental Conflict

Parental conflict can be a significant source of stress for children, often leading them to become enmeshed in the disputes, a phenomenon known as triangulation. As a systemic family psychotherapist, I approach de-triangulating a child from parental conflict by focusing on restoring healthy family dynamics and fostering direct communication between parents. Here are several key strategies to achieve this:

Understanding Triangulation

Triangulation occurs when a child is drawn into parental conflicts, often being used as a messenger, confidant, or even a scapegoat. This dynamic can create emotional turmoil and hinder the child’s development. The goal of de-triangulation is to re-establish boundaries and promote healthier interactions.

1. Establish Clear Boundaries

The first step is to help parents recognise the importance of maintaining clear boundaries between their marital issues and their relationship with their child. Parents must avoid discussing their conflicts or venting frustrations in the child’s presence. Encouraging parents to seek external support, such as therapy or counselling, can provide them with a healthier outlet for their grievances.

2. Promote Direct Communication

Facilitating direct communication between parents is crucial. Parents often involve children in their disputes to avoid direct confrontation with each other. Teaching conflict resolution skills and encouraging open, honest dialogues can help parents address their issues without involving the child. Structured sessions where parents practice these skills in a safe environment can be highly beneficial.

3. Empower the Child

Empowering the child to express their feelings and needs is vital. Children often feel trapped and powerless in triangulated situations. Providing them with a safe space to voice their concerns, either in individual sessions or family therapy, can help alleviate their stress. Teaching children assertiveness skills and encouraging them to set their own boundaries can also contribute to their sense of autonomy and well-being.

4. Strengthen the Parental Alliance

Rebuilding a cooperative parental alliance is essential. Parents need to present a united front and work together to create a stable, supportive environment for the child. Joint parenting sessions can help parents develop a co-parenting plan that focuses on the child’s best interests, fostering a sense of security and stability.

5. Address Underlying Issues

Often, parental conflicts are symptomatic of deeper issues. Exploring these underlying factors, such as unresolved trauma, communication deficits, or unmet needs, can provide insight into the root causes of the conflict. Addressing these issues through individual or couple therapy can reduce the intensity of the disputes and the likelihood of involving the child.

6. Educate on the Impact of Triangulation

Educating parents about the detrimental effects of triangulation on their child’s mental and emotional health is crucial. Providing information about how such dynamics can lead to anxiety, depression, and behavioural issues can motivate parents to make necessary changes. Understanding the long-term consequences can serve as a powerful incentive for parents to adopt healthier interaction patterns.

7. Create a Supportive Network

Building a supportive network for the family can alleviate stress and reduce reliance on the child for emotional support. Encouraging parents to engage with friends, family members, and community resources can provide them with alternative sources of support. This network can offer practical assistance and emotional backing, helping to diffuse tension and prevent the child from being drawn into conflicts.


De-triangulating a child from parental conflict requires a multi-faceted approach that addresses both immediate dynamics and underlying issues. As a systemic family psychotherapist, my role is to guide families towards healthier interactions, fostering a supportive environment where children can thrive. By establishing clear boundaries, promoting direct communication, empowering the child, strengthening the parental alliance, addressing underlying issues, educating parents, and creating a supportive network, we can work together to restore balance and harmony within the family unit.

Brian can be contacted at

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